The worst thing you can do is dwell on the past, especially in a relationship. I get it. You miss your '05 dodge ram with the Hemi, you miss the money you had, and you miss the fun you used to have. How can one move on when their head is stuck in the past? I miss smoking weed on the daily alone in my room watching my tv shows over and over again until i can damn near make a live performance of it. Do I ever bring it up? No, but if so, never sober. Why? Because i fell in love with you and suddenly it didn't matter. My past didn't define me, you did.
Suddenly I was a traveler. Never have i been out of America. Rarely have i been out of Cali. But I was content. I had my bedroom, my shows, and my weed ( thanks to my siblings i had plenty....for free too.) I was set. Good to go. Then i met you. You took me away from my room, my shows, my weed, my constant. But i never looked back. I was finally happy. Like really happy. I traveled away from the U.S of A, I met people who differed from my normal and i loved it. You cultured me. I finally saw, even if just one part, the massive differences of humans living on my side of the earth and the other.
Ive never looked back. Ive never regretted my decision. I could've been alone or with the man you took my heart from. I chose you. I will always choose you. Why can't you see that?
I'm quiet i get it. You don't like it. I'm sorry. It's my defence mechanism. I can't help it. I'd rather say nothing at all than hurt you. I guess that saying really stuck with me. Have you heard it? I've made my mistakes but you're not innocent either.
How do you talk about your feelings with someone who doesn't get it? Who bombards it with events of the past? Who would rather get their thoughts out than understand? I cant make you get it, hell, i cant make you do anything. But you can. I've figured out your pattern, uncovered your secret, i know you. After 4 years it happens. But you cant accept it. You are my king of excuses, my prince of confusion, my greatest challenge. But I have found me.
I know who i am, what I've done, and what satisfies me. I'm a writer. Words speak louder when written. My brain panics with reality but my writing conquers every word.
People change. I hid. Shying away from disappointment and resentment. Afraid to be me. How could I be me without you? Afraid to be heard. How could you hear me with all your facts. Afraid to be honest. Would you really believe me? I've been bad this i know. But I've never betrayed. You're doubtful.
Is it fixable or is it broken beyond repair? Can we cross this river or will we drown?
I know my answer. Can you trust it?
I love your writing so much!!!!!
ReplyDeletePut together a book...publish!
Sometimes people are put in your life to teach you something. To grow you as a person and having them is not ment to be forever. It doesnt change how important they are or what you learned from them...we like to hold on so hard because we're afraid to let go and loss something important,but sometimes thats what has to happen for us to grow further and that person always keeps a place in ur heart. Sometimes holding on is holding them back too.
ReplyDeleteIve thought about this deeply. Letting go and starting new. I cant bring myself too. I know there's tons of couples feeling like i do and the best option for them may to get away. But for me, I choose to stay. I know what we can be but I want to share what we go through. I want everyone out their struggling with the relationship to know they are not alone and it can get better. All we can do is hope that we become the best of what we can be.
DeleteThis post is the only thing ive really posted from my heart. To see how many people read it warms my heart. I want to be a writer. And if that means bringing out the ugly in my life and relationship than so be it. I greatly appreciate your comment. You read my thoughts and have responded with your own. I thank you from the depth of my heart and hope you stay tuned to more of my thoughts.